Most people have a need to control, some know it, others aren't aware. Insecurity is the reason we control others. The answer to this problem is learning to trust our own journey. Everyone who realizes they control others, especially their partner does not have the same experiences. If you resonate in any way with this article, it may be a help in sorting out some of your own fears and insecurities, it is based on the experiences of one individual (woman) and yours could be any of the actors or actresses in the play. Each person is unique so always seek your own truth in anything you read.
This article was written several years ago and finishing it up now goes to show how long some people take to truly understand themselves. I will have more to add to this soon... a video entitled "The Princess and the Serpent" and an article entitled "Communications with my Dad".
If a girl is pretty, she learns that guys will be attracted to her because of that
But whether they are the prettiest girls or not, most girls today are very insecure in the view of their own appearance.
Because even if she is not aware consciously, unconsciously she realizes it is only superficial attraction when someone is attracted to her by how she looks.
If her guy is attracted to her because of her appearance, then she knows that if someone more attractive to him comes along, she very possibly could lose him.
This causes her to constantly evaluate herself and how she measures up with other girls. She is in a state of continual competition with other girls.
If he pays more attention to another girl, it is usually a threat.
She is not at peace unless she is having evidence of being admired or accepted by him.
She must be the only girl in his life, even too much attention to sisters or brothers or his male friends can make her fearful.
She quickly ends any of his friendships with other girls. That she can't handle in any way.
Jealousy to her is an ever encroaching enemy. She learns subtle ways of control to keep it at bay.
Since she learned all of her control tatics from the most important woman in her life, her mother, whether she realizes it or not, and she usually doesn't, she forms an intricate web of control over her guy's life. At first it is very tentative because she doesn't know if the relationship will last. But as it progresses, she becomes more possessive, needing more assurances that she is his one and only desire and she is enough for him.
When the relationship becomes sexual is when her insecurity becomes almost the sole factor of intrepretation of his love for her. Marriage becomes the ultimate proof of his love and admiration. She is often unconsciously or consciously on watch for threats that may take him away and destroy her world.
During the initial attraction, a friendship is formed of mutual interests, goals are discussed and each gets to know the other's personality and they realize they really like each other. However, what neither realizes is that the force that keeps drawing them into a more personal relationship is not love but unconscious fear.
This fear is very subtle, is based on emotional attachment and masquerades as love. More and more her erratic and very vulnerable emotions need continual proof that he wants only her. Underneath she is desperately needing security and validation and her feelings lie to her, convincing her that it is him that can give her what she so badly needs.
If she is like so many girls in our society, she missed something very important in her childhood. She missed being her father's little princess. He didn't show her how important she was to him. He didn't tell her she was beautiful and his actions and attitude didn't show her she was admired and loved just for herself. This should have been the foundation of her self-acceptance, self-validation and self-confidence. But this mysterious "self" was not able to come to life.
Instead, she may have had a father who proved day in and day out how busy he was and didn't have time for her. His job was more important than her. He may have never given her his undivided attention and let her see his admiration and love through the eyes of a doting dad. Sure, there would be times when he admonished her or lectured or had to do other things and she didn't always get his attention but they formed a give and take relationship of their own dynamic. She knew, even though she was just a little girl, she was important enough for his attention and interaction and worthy of a relationship with this most wonderful and important man in her life.