Most people have a need to control, some know it, others aren't aware. Insecurity is the reason we control others. The answer to this problem is learning to trust our own journey. Everyone who realizes they control others, especially their partner does not have the same experiences. If you resonate in any way with this article, it may be a help in sorting out some of your own fears and insecurities, it is based on the experiences of one individual (woman) and yours could be any of the actors or actresses in the play. Each person is unique so always seek your own truth in anything you read.
If a girl is pretty, she learns that guys will be attracted to her because of that But whether they are the prettiest girls or not, most girls today are very insecure in the view of their own appearance. Because even if she is not aware consciously, unconsciously she realizes it is only superficial attraction when someone is attracted to her by how she looks. If her guy is attracted to her because of her appearance, then she knows that if someone more attractive to him comes along, she very possibly could lose him. This causes her to constantly evaluate herself and how she measures up with other girls. She is in a state of continual competition with other girls. If he pays more attention to another girl, it is usually a threat. She is not at peace unless she is having evidence of being admired or accepted by him. She must be the only girl in his life, even too much attention to sisters or brothers or his male friends can make her fearful. She quickly ends any of his friendships with other girls. That she can't handle in any way. Jealousy to her is an ever encroaching enemy. She learns subtle ways of control to keep it at bay.
Since she learned all of her control tatics from the most important woman in her life, her mother, whether she realizes it or not, and she usually doesn't, she forms an intricate web of control over her guy's life. At first it is very tentative because she doesn't know if the relationship will last. But as it progresses, she becomes more possessive, needing more assurances that she is his one and only desire and she is enough for him.
When the relationship becomes sexual is when her insecurity becomes almost the sole factor of intrepretation of his love for her. Marriage becomes the ultimate proof of his love and admiration. She is often unconsciously or consciously on watch for threats that may take him away and destroy her world.
During the initial attraction, a friendship is formed of mutual interests, goals are discussed and each gets to know the other's personality and they realize they really like each other. However, what neither realizes is that the force that keeps drawing them into a more personal relationship is not love but unconscious fear.
This fear is very subtle, is based on emotional attachment and masquerades as love. More and more her erratic and very vulnerable emotions need continual proof that he wants only her. Underneath she is desperately needing security and validation and her feelings lie to her, convincing her that it is him that can give her what she so badly needs.
If she is like so many girls in our society, she missed something very important in her childhood. She missed being her father's little princess. He didn't show her how important she was to him. He didn't tell her she was beautiful and his actions and attitude didn't show her she was admired and loved just for herself. This should have been the foundation of her self-acceptance, self-validation and self-confidence. But this mysterious "self" was not able to come to life.
Instead, she may have had a father who proved day in and day out how busy he was and didn't have time for her. His job was more important than her. He may have never given her his undivided attention and let her see his admiration and love through the eyes of a doting dad. Sure, there would be times when he admonished her or lectured or had to do other things and she didn't always get his attention but they formed a give and take relationship of their own dynamic. She knew, even though she was just a little girl, she was important enough for his attention and interaction and worthy of a relationship with this most wonderful and important man in her life.
If this positive dad-daughter interaction didn't take place, as she grows older, the little girl is left with a feeling of aloneness and unsureness, of having to find some means of feeling okay about herself on her own.
As the change from little girl to young lady transpires through the growing-up years, she looks more and more to her mother to emulate. Her heart opens to her mother's energy because she wants to learn how to do woman things. This is what she is going to become. She is like a sponge, absorbing everything she wants to do when she grows up. She wants a husband, children and a home to take care of and express herself in.
These needs are exciting and she looks forward to them very much. She is not concerned with school and career as everyone tries to make her see the importance of. She is excited about relationship. A man of her own, a child of her own to raise. This is what she looks forward to. Every female child has this inherent desire within them even though our society tries to undervalue its importance.
If her father did not satisfy her need for admiration, acceptance and approval as his little princess then she did not have the integral first step of growth toward her own self-validation of importance as a girl, a woman and as a human being. Instead she turned to her mother to get that need met.
Basically, if her father could not offer his daughter that part of himself, he could not give the deeper part of himself to her mother either. This is his own lack of self-validation which he should have received from his own father.
This is because of a re-channeling of his need for his own father to validate him. If his father didn't bring him out...give him permission to become a man at around age twelve, then the boy turns to his mother to fill the empty need.
If a father responds to his boy's need to grow up, he shows him how to be independent. He gives him permission to not have to do everything mom says. It's a time for the boy to leave his mother and join the ranks of the men. He learns how not to cater to his mother's emotional whims. If this happens, he will never allow himself to be controlled by a woman. He will learn how to become strong and free in his own heart, doing what his heart tells him is right for him. He will not be motivated by trying to please and assuage womanly fears and insecurities.
If he gains this inner maturity, he is able to meet a woman on an equal basis. She won't be a symbol of his mother who he is always trying to get free from. He won't have to hide parts of himself from her to keep some semblance of his own identity. But he can freely surrender to her love and trust her at a deep level. He won't feel the need to connect with a woman emotionally just because he is attracted to her physically. The real attraction will come from an inner bonding of their hearts because neither needs to control the other. Neither are trying to get this basic need of self-validation met inside from the other through misplaced feelings.
If a man never received this positive male energy from his father, he doesn't have it to give to his son. He acquiesced to his wife and let her emotional whims control his decision making. He let her need for security draw a circle of control around his life, making everything he does relate to how she feels about it unless he conceals it from her.
When a boy turns to his mother for help in becoming a man, he is accepting the same dynamic as his father. He becomes emeshed in her circle of control as his lifetime theme as his heart opens to her for acceptance, support and validation that he couldn't receive from his father. As he gets older he begans to resent this as he knows unconsciously this is not what should be. He should not be tied to his mother like this but he has no idea of how to be free of it.
As a teenager, this wrong feeling inside is mellowed by rebellion. Unconsciously, he rebels against his father for not helping him to escape his mother's control, but mostly his anger is turned against his mother. He doesn't know why but sometimes he just hates her. He blames her for his lack of success. Everything he wants seems to evade him. But he still wants and needs her acceptance. He is divided inside, wanting and needing her approval but hating and pulling away from her protection and concern.(her unconscious need to control his life and keep him safe, thus keeping him tied to her as a child.)
Then he begins to date and what he thinks is a new relationship dynamic opens up for him. Since his father did not know how to free him to be himself, the young man has no idea how to evaluate girls except by the voice of this false inner directive. Between the energy he received from his mother and father he is well set on his way to the same interaction.
He is attracted to a pretty girl and immediately falls under her spell. He doesn't realize that he begins to relate to her just as his father did to his mother. In fact, they fit like a generational puzzle piece.
Have you ever wondered where all the competition between men and women came from? Why are men and women in this strange dance of moving toward and then away from each other? when one gets too close, the other always backs away. Why are they always protecting their rights and freedom?
It's simply because they have never discovered and accepted wholeheartedly the wonderful person inside...which is themselves.They are still searching for someone who will show them that they are worthy and give them permission to break free of the status quo and be whatever they want...to set them free from the charade.
He is still trying to break away from the control of his mother because he didn't get what he needed from his father. This is why he becomes frustrated and angry with his wife/girlfriend whenever his freedom (those things within himself he keeps hidden from her to protect what little he has of his own authenticity) is threatened. She knows there are parts of him off-limits to her and she becomes angry and frustrated with him because he won't surrender them to her and alleviate her insecurity. She doesn't know that if he shares that place and those things with her, it is a precious gift from him that only his trusting her completely will bring.
She has no concept of being able to trust him without control and he will never trust her as long as she controls because he needs to keep that one part of his freedom. He fears that if he gave it to her she would use it against him, maybe even tell her friends about his vulnerability and destroy him completely. He would lose his sense of himself as a man in her dominance (like mother). A man doesn't take surrendering his inner self to a woman lightly.
When you allow yourself to feel important, powerful and attractive because you know in reality you are, then you can begin to validate yourself in your own eyes. But we learned at a very young age to depend on other's opinions of us to color how we express who we are and maintain the image of who we think we are.
By the unconscious inner programming we used to live by, we continually catorgorized and compared ourselves to others. We mainly learned this process at school where we slipped into the category we felt comfortable in. Some of us were the "brains" others were "popular" some were "unpopular" there was always the "comedian" and the "prettiest girl" and the "sports heros" or the "wealth privileged" and of course, the "poor". It wasn't long until we identified deeply with our group and this stunted any chance of independent growth into authenticity. We conformed so we weren't rediculed or made to feel left out. We performed to gain attention and acceptance and thus began the stifling of much of our wonderful individual possibilities and creativity.
With conformance and performance we lied to ourselves and others every day. We buried our heart's desires to gain a place in society that was acceptable, a fertile soil for the family tradition of aquienence and control to take deep root for our whole life. Some of us found a place of acceptance through joining a church and following their rules. For others, it was career and monetary success. Even those of us who just couldn't make it work and ended up in divorces, debt, depression, alcohol, drugs, or all the other miseries of life, we still continued to lie and try to survive in ways we were used to . We kept hoping something would change. We tried to find it in other people, in therapy, medication, and self-help books but they just couldn't reach the inner depth where the inbalance and confusion lay untouched.
Healing at the soul level of a human being is necessary for true self-validation. Some may call it Spirit, or Christ consciousness or the presence of God. It is the power of unconditional love that changes a person's life. This love brings balance and reality into an emotional state of confusion and mis-direction. We can't bring it into being with head-knowledge or scientific processes. It is something that happens deeply in the inner heart between an individual and God, the life force. It is the response to a heart's cry of helplessness and hopelessness
To trust someone, we must first become trustworthy. To become trustworthy we must first see how truly untrustworthy we really are. What does it mean to be trustworthy? It means someone can trust us. so if we evaluate the level of trustworthiness in our relationships, it can be quite illuminating. First, can we trust ourselves?
1... Do we lie to ourselves?
2... Do we let ourselves down?
3... Do we worry about what other's think about us or our actions?
4... Do we let ourselves do things we enjoy?
5... Do we do things we don't feel right about but others want us to?
6... Are we afraid to be ourselves and just let things happen naturally?
7... Are we stressed and pressured to perform? Can we stop?
8... Do we care about how we feel?
9... Do we share what we choose to with others or give what we think they want?
10..Can we hear our heart and follow it?
If we can't trust ourselves to believe that our own intentions, emotions and feelings, motivations, desires and actions are legitimate and good, then we will never be able to trust that another's are. We will never be able to let them be freely who they are without trying to change them or control them somehow.
Think about the person you love. The person who you married or who you chose to be your mate or lover. Imagine letting them do whatever they wanted to do. Imagine letting them go where they want, when they want with whoever they want to go with. Imagine letting them share with you in any way they want to and not share with you anything they don't want to. Imagine having no control of them in any way but letting them express themselves in any way they choose and accepting them just as they are right now. Could you trust them to still choose to be with you and love you? Could you be at peace and live your life without worrying what they were doing? Could you trust your own validity as an acceptable human being enough to let them be who they are all the time?
The greatest gift we can give someone we love is the gift of trust. Even if they make mistakes or don't meet our expectations, we still trust because we love. Trust is not based on their performance but on our own inner acceptance of who we are. If you can trust me to be there for you even when you are untrustworthy, you know I will always be there because you know that what you do does not take away from myself. I know who I am and trust that, and that allows me to let you be who you are.
Trust generates from freedom. God trusts us enough to give us free will and knows we are making our way through the valley of fear and control to the higher place of release and love. This is how we should trust those who we love. Let them have their journey. Where we connect, we share the journey, where we don't, let them have it in another way. We don't always have to be included. Each one of us has their own journey and it shouldn't be controlled by anyone else. It can only be shared when the heart wants to share. When one tries to control another, it always stops the current of love, just like a dam stops the river's free flow. That's why relationships stagnate and die.
We need to trust our own journey. When we do, we can trust other's to their own. Our journey can be an exciting adventure or a series of problems and painful difficulties. It's our choice. When we choose freedom we have an adventure, when we choose control, we have problems. Let life happen. No control. Trust it to be right of its own volition. Everything in the Universe is moving toward love. The current is taking us on a journey into love, the lifeforce of God. When we throw off control and jump in, we let the current take us wherever it will. We know the course is sure because we trust God who is love. So love's course will always carry us safely on our adventure. But control will throw us off into a murky swamp of fear, frustration and anger. It always does. It stops the flow of love.
So if we can tie it all together, we see that the only reason we try to control others we love, is because we were conditioned generationally into seeking emotional security and validity erronously through others. When we can feel the energy of our own journey guiding us through our life adventures and trust it, we no longer need to grasp on to someone else and prevent them from freely having and expressing their own journey but we trust their journey to be the best for them. This is the gift. I trust your journey to be everything you need. I will never try to control your journey because it has a life of its own, just like mine does. If our journeys join, it is a great thing, if the current draws us away, that is okay too. I can't force your journey into mine or mine into yours but the current draws us into each other or it can draw us away. Each is good to a soul on an adventure.
Life is a process and it is never completed on this planet. It just moves on and continues in other dimensions. We gain what we need as we learn and grow through the experiences we pass through. It is useless to expect some final result and ultimate perfection on this journey. We need to lighten up on ourselves and accept our imperfections. The more we love and care for ourselves the more we will love and care for others. If we let our relationships be a mirror of where we are at and allow that to shape our path, we will become freer in our interactions and others will be freer also as they interact with us.
First things first....stop being afraid of who you are, face yourself realistically and accept the things you don't think are acceptable. You're not hiding them from anybody. What we try to hide is always the first thing people see. It's because we have an energy build up at that point being self conscious about it. If you're not thinking about it, no one else will be either. It's your attitude people notice. If you are self accepting and feel confident, that is how people will see you. Because being self accepting and confident allows you to forget about yourself and how you appear and think about the others around you. You can focus attention on them and be truly interested in them.
So how can we be self accepting and confident? By trusting our journey. Quit thinking things will never change but welcome change as a friend. Stop judging and worrying over our actions, our appearance, and what other people think about us. I trust myself to my journey. I trust myself to the current of God's love. I trust myself to the dynamic of the universe. The course is sure so I don't have to worry about it. So now I can forget all the fears and control drama and enjoy things. I can let life happen. I can let things happen to me. I can just go ahead and love other people and let them handle their responses to it. It's okay however they respond. I don't mind.
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