|Song of Solomon 2:15
Catch us the foxes, the little foxes|
that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes.
Reality is dealing with the issues that affect you. If you feel uncomfortable or insecure about something between you and your mate, if you ignore it, it destroys your peace and joy in the relationship. It can eventually multiply with other problems to destroy the relationship altogether.
If you have a problem and don't work it out together but you work it out in yourself so you can handle it alone, you still won't have peace in your relationship. When two are joined as one flesh, you can't be happy or peaceful without the other. Everything each of you does affects the other.
If you strengthen yourself in enduring whatever is happening, you will eventually reveal your true feelings by doing resentful things. Your mate will feel the negative energy. The unpleasant emotional feelings generated by the unresloved problems will not go away.
You have to care enough about yourself to realize the problem is not all yours. Sometimes one person will take the blame and try to straighten themselves up. If they feel jealous, they work very hard at trying to not feel jealous thinking they are wrong in their fears that their mate is being unfaithful somehow.
Yet when a problem involves unfaithfulness, disrespect or anything else, the feelings will match the problem. There is something wrong in that area or your energy wouldn't be off that way. It's a mutual problem and should be confronted. The evidences from your feelings and emotions shouldn't be ignored as they are a gauge to what problems exist between you.
The thing is, if you have cultivated an openess between you when things are going well, when a feeling that is wrong comes along, you will sit down and talk about it. You will be able to share the concerns and fears between you in a peaceful way without blaming or sending each other guilt trips.
The bad thing is when you don't do this as problems come along but you let things slide. You force negative feelings away, telling yourself you are over reacting or blaming something on him/her when they are probably innocent. This kind of thinking promotes the "poor me who has to endure suffering" concept
You have to care enough about yourself to say, "This is not just my problem but his/hers also. If I feel this way, our energy is not flowing lovingly and peacefully together as it used to. Something is wrong. We need to discuss, on an equal basis, that we are both responsible equally for a tension that is disrupting our relationship. It is not something for me to handle alone, like somehow I am doing them a disservice by having these thoughts. But by nature of these feelings and thoughts there is something wrong concerning his/her actions or thoughts too.
If you take the burden on yourself, you become not only "poor me" but you try to resolve everything yourself also. Then, because you are working to make things better and they are not, you become the "right" one and they are seen as the "wrong" one. This creates more division by causing more resentful thoughts and actions between you.
If you can't discuss these things openly when they are small, they will gain momentum through time. Suddenly an eruption will occur and you will be facing seemingly insurmountable troubles. Each person will be caught up in their own definition of what's wrong. Neither realizing that if one of them has a problem, the other has to have a corresponding problem for that problem to even exist between them. Both are responsible, both are equally to blame, both have to work out their own corresponding problems and see how they jointly caused the breach.Then together they can start doing the loving things that unite them in love again.
Maintaining a loving relationship is really based on simple principles. The old fashioned concepts of respecting, honoring and pleasing your mate are the keys. Each serving the other rather than expecting to be served creates a warm and loving atmosphere of trust.
If you choose to face the truth of your emotions and feelings (using them as a gague) instead of fearfully hiding from what they reveal, you can deal with reality as it occurs and reinforce the bond between you. If you don't, you will always be hiding out and fear will dominate your relationships. This will cause resentment which causes disrespect and dishonor which could eventually destroy the love between you.
If someone is resentful, they are not thinking how to please their loved one. Instead they are holding their love back, drawing themselves away and rejecting any indication of love from the other. They are in a "pay back" mode..."If they are treating me like that, then I'm going to treat them like this!" This unresloved resentment is a lot from pride that no one has a right to treat you that way! However, this is all selfishness and ego and will never make the other person start treating you right.
If two people have a corresponding problem, they both have to realize they are equally responsible.They have to work out their end of it and let the other person off the hook. "I can't change anyone else, only myself, so I have to let the other person do what they need to do and I will do what I need to." But both have to have a desire to make the relationship work. It has to be the priority over ego and pride. When they discuss problems, it has to be with openness and respect for the other's feelings and viewpoints. No one has the need to be "right". The goal is to restore the loving feelings between them.
The number one priority in a relationship is to maintain that loving feeling, whatever it takes. However, this does not mean a "peace at any price" victim stance. It means each person has to really get to know the other and know what genuinally pleases them and make that their offering of love. Each person should guard their words, thoughts and actions that might dishonor the other. They should be aware of themselves and their problem areas and work to become a better person in relation to the people they love.